The calendar year is full of difficult days for people who are grieving.
Anniversaries of a life lived.
Birthdays and death days.
Tuesdays.
Any reminder has potential for pain, which means any moment can become one of grief, explains Marney Thompson, director of bereavement services for Victoria Hospice.
“Grief itself is really a process of learning to live with, accommodating with what’s happened,” she said. “There are all kinds of reminders that are painful for people."
Winter is filled with varied holidays – solstice, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day and New Years Eve – that come with overarching narratives of wonder, magic and hope. They come with expectations based on traditions and rituals amplified when somebody’s missing.
For people processing a recent loss, the start of a fresh new year isn’t necessarily a wonderful prospect filled with goals and ideals. They may rather go into each day with a profound and lingering understanding their person won’t be there with them.
Her tips for those facing grief in the traditional times of happiness range to what is best for them. She recommends trying something new, knowing changes aren’t written in stone.
During times of wider acknowledgement, such as Christmas, she recommends if people are comfortable, they talk within their family and friend groups to reflect on what this person and this holiday are about. Recognize or honour that person’s favourite food, charity or song.
“We often try to remind people doing it differently this year doesn’t mean your traditions are lost forever,” Thompson said.
Depending on the situation, she encourages families to fill a stocking with memory notes, and read them at some point through the holidays.
When her grandmother died, they set her place at the table for Christmas – spurring spontaneous and emotional conversation and memory sharing. “We all cried through it. It was painful but it was a way to honour her.”
While facing a friend or loved one handling grief can be daunting, there’s value in acknowledgement.
A survey conducted in November and December 2023 for the Canadian Grief Alliance, found 53 per cent of respondents felt their grief went largely unrecognized by others. In contrast, they overwhelmingly wanted to talk about it – 83 per cent said being asked about their loss was helpful.
“There are general and gentle enough words that invite people to show up if they choose to, to speak to how they’re really doing,” Thompson said.
She’s also part of the Canadian Grief Alliance where they suggest opening dialogue with something like “I know this is a difficult time of year for a lot of people, is there anything you want to talk about?”
The Alliance outlines easy ways to offer such as: “You’re welcome to join us for dinner if you’re feeling up to it.”
Support can be as easy as offering an ear, a walk or physically helping with tasks such as making a meal.
“You can see what the person brings forward and responds to that. It’s really worthwhile to provide an invitation to speak to how it is,” Thompson said. “You’re just opening the door.”
Be ready to follow through on the offer, and just as much, be willing to accept a no, a brush-off or silence.
There is an appropriate way to address loss, and it doesn’t include the words “at least they’re in a better place.”
“Even clients have said, ‘If it starts with ‘at least’ I don’t want to hear it’,” Thompson said. “It’s bright-siding their pain.”
While human nature compels many to fluff people up or fix them, grief isn’t something to be repaired but rather integrated into lives.
“Grief itself is really a process of learning to live with, accommodating with, what’s happened,” Thompson said. “We don’t leave people in our past when they die.”
They continue to live in hearts and minds.
Victoria Hospice hosts several workshops with videos available online at victoriahospice.org.
The Canadian Grief Alliance offers online resources at canadiangriefalliance.ca.
